


My Lips are Stained, But Not From Wine

by vivalamusaine



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, First Kiss, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-26
Updated: 2016-02-26
Packaged: 2018-05-23 08:32:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6110892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vivalamusaine/pseuds/vivalamusaine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Grantaire finds his difficult struggle to stay sober tested at a post-protest party. Enjolras Finds him on the balcony, unaware of whats wrong and confronts him.</p><p>Or alternatively- stop hiding from your friends and let them help you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Lips are Stained, But Not From Wine

It had been so long since they'd all been this carefree and cheerful that Grantaire had almost forgotten just how fun his friends could be. The last time he'd seen them this cheerful seemed like years ago. The stress everybody was holding during finals was bad enough, but Enjolras and Combeferre just had to organise a protest as soon as they were finished as well.

Now both events had passed and it was as though everybody was letting go of all the anxiety and tension they had been holding inside themselves- Courfeyrac was halfway through an intensely impromptu karaoke session with Marius, who was getting increasingly more and more red-faced at every Katy Perry lyric he'd stumble over. Eponine was in the kitchen holding Cosette's head under cold water after trying to pierce her ear with a safety pin and Cosette kept apologising to Eponine for insisting it was a good idea in the first place. Jehan was giggling as they drew flowers all over a passed out Bahorel on the couch. Chetta, Bossuet and Joly had fucked off into Combeferre's bedroom over twenty minutes ago and were yet to emerge. Lastly, Enjolras was getting increasingly louder the more he drank and was currently in a very passionate discussion about comets with Feuilly and Combeferre, who was swaying on his feet and nodding vigorously.

Grantaire was watching on happily. He had missed this side of his friends without even realising it. Everything had seemed so serious over the last few months and it was nice just to let go and have fun. Well, not let go completely he reminded himself. He was very close to reaching his personal milestone of 6 months sober and although he enjoyed his friends like this it was times like these that were the hardest to stick to. 

What was making it harder was that he had chosen the incredibly difficult route of doing so without telling anybody about it or asking for help. He was an expert at making things hard for himself. There was another reason he'd chosen not to tell his friends about his attempt to get sober; the last time he had tried he had done so very publicly and failed very publicly and in an embarrassingly short length of time. He couldn't stand the thought of having to see the judgment and disappointment the second time around should he fail again. No, it was easier to pretend he wasn't doing this, that way if he failed again nobody would know he'd tried in the first place.

It was an easy thing to fake during semesters, everybody had been so busy cramming and studying that nobody paid any attention to what he was doing, and on the rare occasion somebody would throw a party he'd either pretend he couldn't come or just come later enough that nobody would question what he was drinking. This time he'd opted to arrive at the party after everybody had already gotten well into the drinking. He'd made sure everybody saw him enter the party with a half drunk bottle of wine, announce loudly and happily that he'd lost track of time pre-drinking and take a huge swig of the bottle (which was really just an old empty wine bottle refilled with blackcurrent juice).

Now that he was surrounded by his drunk friends though he felt an itch to join them properly. He took another swig of his bottled juice and made his way over to the couch Bahorel was passed out on.

“Hey Jehan” he said shifting Bahorels legs so he could sit down “Having fun?”

Jehan giggled and continued drawing swirling patterns on the passed out boy. “Are you kidding me? This is just what I needed! R, I have a human canvas!”

“An unconscious human canvas” Grantaire added raising his eyebrows at him.

“Oh he won't mind. In fact I think he should be flattered. He looks rather lovelier now don't you think?”  
“Oh for sure, I've always said Bahorel would be 20 times more attractive if only he had the common sense to swirl up his face.”

Jehan laughed and flicked their long strawberry blonde hair out of their face finally capping the sharpie “Speaking of attractive, you should have been here earlier. You would have absolutely loved it!”

“What?” Graintaire asked curiously. He'd known arriving late would mean missing out on some of the core fun moments and he was dying to be filled in if not just to disctract himself from the gnawing temptation that was growing inside him.

“You know how Marius and Courf are slaying with their whole youtube karaoke session at the moment?”

“You say slaying I saw slaughtering...”

“Yes well- Guess who started the whole karaoke thing? It was amazing. Enjolras was singing!”

“What?!” Grantaire asked and stole a glance over to where Enjolras was now standing. Cosette's ear had stopped bleeding and she was showing off her safety pin earing to anybody who would look. Enjolras was very visibly recoiling in horror whilst Feuilly complimented the makeshift piercing.

“Oh my goodness you would have loved it so much!” 

Jehan didn't usually tease Grantaire about his massive crush on their blonde leader, however the wine had very obviously gone to their brain tonight, Grantaire ignored the comment and continued to look on at Enjolras longingly.

“What did he sing?” He asked trying to keep his tone as casual as possible. Jehan was not fooled however as they giggled themselves stupid before answering “What else? Children of the revolution of course!”

Grantaire felt the smile on his face grow wider as he turned back to Jehan who suddenly found themselves distracted as they were began clapping very enthusiastically to the end of Marius and Courfeyrac's tragic duet.

Not long after, Musichetta, Joly and Bossuet decided to emerge from the bedroom, looking very sheepish and untidy. A chorus of oohs wolf whilstes greeted them on their way out which was loud enough to wake up Bahorel. All of Grantaire's friends were suddenly very close and very loud, and he could almost taste the intoxication in the air. He suddenly felt the overwhelming feeling that he'd made a huge mistake coming here tonight. 

He heard Combeferre declare loudly “Really guys?! I just changed those sheets!” as he slipped quietly out onto the balcony next to Enjolras' bedroom. He was so wrapped up in his need to get away from everything that he didn't notice the eyes following him as he made his way out.

He took a few very deep breaths before grabbing a cigarette from his pack and bringing it to his lips. He patted his pockets for his lighter but only felt the thin fabric of his hoodie. “Fuck”.

“Need a light?”

Graintaire spun around and froze on the spot.

There stood Enjolras. His blonde curls swaying slightly in the breeze as he popped a cigarette into his mouth, cupped his hands around it and lit the end with his lighter. The flickering light eluminated the features of his face and Grantaire was caught breathless for a fraction of a second. He mentally shook himself free.

“Uh yeah.” Grantaire moved to remove the cigarette from his mouth but Enjolras was too quick and stepped towards to him to light it while it was still caught between his lips. “Thanks.” Grantaire smiled nervously at him as he took a drag.

“You got here late.” Enjolras mentioned casually through a breath of smoke.

“Yeah I'm kinda regretting it now.” Grantaire frowned “Heard you were singing unbelievably cliché songs.” Just as he said it he heard the pelting notes of journey begin to play. “Oh dear God what monster have you created.”

Enjolras laughed. Grantaire was struck by how carefree it sounded and decided to file the sound away in a very private place in his mind to come back to at a later time. Enjolras took another drag of his cigarette before saying. “I'm surprised you came at all to be honest.”

“To the protest?” Grantaire asked “Well I mean when have I not? I talk a lot of shit but I do always end up turning up, if not just to see the stupid surprised look on your face when I do.” He hoped Enjolras wouldn't take his joke too seriously and begin lecturing him on his reasons for turning up. To his surprise though, Enjolras laughed again and leaned up against the railing. 

“No, actually. That doesn't surprise me anymore... I meant to the party. You've been avoiding them lately.”

“Oh” Grantaire said taken back. He hadn't thought anybody had noticed his increasing absences, let alone Enjolras. Although he supposed he shouldn't be surprised. If somebody would be taking a mental role call in their mind at a party it would be Enjolras... or Combeferre. He looked down at his feet and butted out his cigarette in the broken mug they used as an ashtray. “Yeah well. I've just been busy I guess.”

“Are you avoiding somebody?” Enjolras asked suddenly. His voice was slurring slightly but his tone was a mixture of sternness and something else Grantaire couldn't quite place. Grantaire looked up suddenly to find Enjolras' intense gaze locked onto him. He felt like a deer in the headlights. “What? No of course not. I love you guys. You know that.”

He remembered when they were all a lot younger and he was a lot less worried about working on his problems. He'd say yes to every party just for an excuse to drink and escape and he'd do some very stupid and sometimes potentially harmful things. He did not want to have this conversation now, not with Enjolras. It was easier to just pretend he was still the same person.

Enjolras butted out his own cigarette and stepped closer to Grantaire, who felt his senses heighten as though he was suddenly very aware of his own skin, breath and movements. “Well you should have come to those other parties. They were a lot of fun and maybe we could have done some stupid things together.”

Grantaire looked up at him confused, Enjolras sounded pretty intoxicated and he had a glazy look in his eyes. “What do you mean?” he asked cautiously. Even when Graintaire hadn't been sober Enjolras had never done stupid things and definitely not with him. Maybe he'd missed a lot more than he thought over the last few months. He vaguely remembered something Courfeyrac said about Enjolras loosening up.

“Well.” Enjolras said slowly still looking intently at Grantaire. He stepped closer again, sliding his hand casually along the railing so that their hands were almost touching “Stupid things you know. Like a karaoke duet, or a shots contest, or we could do this-” Enjolras raised his hand so it cupped the nape of Grantaire's neck and pulled him up into a deep kiss.

Grantaire did not have time to react as he felt the fast motions of Enjolras' lips against him. He could hardly believe this was happening. For so long he'd dreamed about this, the heat of Enjolras' body against his, the length of his fingers against his skin and the taste of his tongue- which at the moment had a strong taste of vodka. Grantaire pulled away suddenly. It was all wrong.

“Enjolras,” He said quietly looking away and turning towards the railing “You're drunk.”

“So?” Enjolras said, his tone confused and stern again. “So are you.”

“No. No I'm not drunk...”

“Well then have some more to drink and catch up.” He shrugged “I'll wait.”

Grantaire was silent for a while. He ran a hand through his hair absentmindedly before replying “I'm not drinking tonight. Just go to bed or something. You'll feel better in the morning.”

He could feel Enjolras' gaze upon him again, heavy on his back. “I'm not an idiot Grantaire. I saw you drinking before. You told everybody you were drinking before you got here. You don't have to kiss me but don't fucking lie to me about why you won't.”

“Look I don't-” He felt a hand on his shoulder and it turned him around suddenly so that he was forced to face Enjolras who had his trademark look of righteous fury on his face and Grantaire felt his words falter in his throat.

“I'm going to go soon.” He said his voice steady “But first you're going to reject me properly and tell me why. Then I'll leave you alone, but don't lie to me about some bullshit excuse about not drinking.”

Grantaire had never felt such a strong whiplash or emotions. Less than a minute ago he had been kissing the guy he'd been pining after for years (and he hadn't initiated it) he'd (rather hesitatingly) stopped it because he thought it was the right thing to do (Wasn't it Enjolras who was saying it was a stupid idea or something?). Now Enjolras was talking about some kind or rejection (????) and he was looking more angry than he ever had before (and that was saying something) and Grantaire could still taste the brief lingering taste of somebody elses vodka on his tongue. It was too much. He shouldn't have come tonight.

He tried to swallow and felt the lump against his throat tighten. He tried to stop it happening but it was pointless. The tears came out uncontrollably. He lifted his arm up to his eyes and turned away from Enjolras unable to face him. His shoulders shook as he leaned his forehead against the balcony wall trying and failing to hide himself away.

“Oh” He heard Enjolras say behind him. 

Grantaire pushed his head further into the wall feeling more and more foolish and berated himself in his head. This wouldn't have happened if you had been drinking and not fucking lying to your friends you fucking asshole. You could have had a moment of happiness without feeling guilty and fucking everything up as per fucking usual. Good fucking job. He tried to shut his own thoughts up but it was failing miserably, just like everything else around him.

A soft hand came down on his shoulder and he flinched at the touch. “Hey, I'm sorry.” Enjolras' voice came out soft and concerned behind him. “That... That was wrong of me to demand and explanation from you. I shouldn't have done that. Just saying no's enough. It's not an excuse, I was just feeling hurt. I'm sorry I took it out on you. You don't have to say anything.” 

“I'm not... I'ts not” Grantaire choked out he took a few steadying breaths so that his ability to form sentences wouldn't be so inane. “I'm-”

“I shouldn't have assumed anything” Enjolras interrupted, then quickly added “You don't need to explain anything.”

“No I do.” He had stopped crying but his voice was still shaky and he lifted his head up from against the wall, he thought to himself just how pathetic he must look right now and berated himself inside his head “I have been lying. To all of you, for a really long time now.” He finally looked towards Enjolras, whose brow was furrowed in evident confusion. Grantaire took a deep breath before continuing.

“I haven't been drinking tonight Enjolras, I wasn't lying about that. I haven't been drinking for almost six months.” He said the last part quietly, looking down again.

Enjolras parted his lips to speak, closed them then parted them again “But, I saw you!” He said indignantly and pointed towards the door “when you came inside you were drinking wine!” Grantaire laughed hollowly “That was not wine. I've been pretending to drink and avoiding so many of these goddamn things because... Because I didn't want to tell anybody I was trying to get sober.”

“But why? That's... Surely you don't think we wouldn't support you or that we'd stop hanging out-”

“No, no its nothing like that” Grantaire said looking up at Enjolras. He sighed and ran his hand through his hair again before continuing. He hadn't planned on bearing his soul and his insecurities on a balcony tonight. “I thought... I didn't tell anybody because I thought when I eventually failed and went back to drinking it would be easier if you guys didn't know... I mean last time... Last time I felt like I let everybody down. I didn't want to feel that way again.”

Enjolras looked at him for a long time, he slowly leaned his back against the balcony railing and folded his arms across his chest. “So...” He said slowly “How long were you going to keep filling up wine bottles with cordial for before you decided to tell us?”

Grantaire opened his mouth confused. Enjolras didn't sound angry anymore, in fact he sounded slightly amused. “I... I dunno. I guess I just always assumed eventually I'd crack and go back to the real thing.”

Enjolras was laughing again, but it wasn't the same carefree laugh Grantaire had heard before, this one was short and biting “Grantaire. It's been 6 months. That's huge. That's amazing. That's an accomplishment that means you're in it for the long run. And even if you're not you've been sober for 6 months. That means you're not relying on it and you haven't been for 6 months. Honestly its amazing that you're here tonight around everybody else and you're still so strong about it. You're incredible.”

“How do you do that?” Grantaire asked.

“Do what?” Enjolras frowned at him.

“Make everything sound so much bigger and better than it actually is. You do it all the time. You make these speeches and you make the the smallest things feel like giants. I... I don't know how you do it?”

Enjolras beamed at him. “So I'm assuming I've gotten through to you on some level.” 

“Yeah...” Grantaire admitted passing a hand through his hair one more time. He felt stupid now that he ever thought he could fail. Though it was easier knowing he couldn't fail when he could rely on Enjolras to talk him up and out of his self doubts. Why hadn't he just talked to them before? “I feel kind of stupid now.” he admitted. “I mean I bought like a ten pack of those mini blackcurrant juice boxes and spent a good 10 minutes meticulously filling up an old wine bottle.”

“You're right. That is stupid. You could have just bought a carton of the stuff.”

Grantaire laughed and looked Enjolras in the eyes. Enjolras cleared his throat and this time it was his time to tear his eyes away. “So,” he started. “Before... Was it just because you didn't want to... Or?”

“Oh.” Grantaire said suddenly surprised at the sudden shift in conversation. He guessed he'd already bared a part of his soul tonight. He might as well expose the whole damn thing. “No I just... I did want to... I just didn't really want to kiss you like that.”

“Like what?”

“You know... Just something you do because you're drunk and you're going to regret it in the morning because its stupid. I just...” He took a deep breath. He'd been holding this in for so long he didn't know if it was possible for the words to physically form. “I like you way too much to just be a drunken make-out partner at a party. I like you so much. More than you probably want me to...” He finished lamely. Suddenly he became very interested his shoes.

Enjolras said nothing. What could he say to that? Grantaire thought bitterly. It's not like he would ever-

Enjolras was laughing again. This one was different again. It was like a push of air from his lungs, a relief. Short and deep. “Thank God for that.” He lifted his thumb and index finger to cup Grantaires chin and lift his head up. Grantaire looked in his eyes and saw them bright and twinkling, the righteousness behind them sparkling.

“I like you way too much, too.” 

He tilted Grantaire's head and their lips met, slow and careful and filled with a passion that they were both holding back before.

Lost in Enjolras' kiss Grantaire knew he wouldn't ever need to touch a drip of liquor again, for he was already so intoxicated.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first submission to AO3 and my first time writing fan fiction for a number of years now so any feedback is greatly appreciated. I'm vivalamusaine on tumblr. Come say hi.


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